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I Wanna Rock! 02-June-2004
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The Rhino Assault Saga
-Are you sure this is such a great idea?
-What do you mean, Simon?
-I… I don’t know, something doesn’t feel right.
-What could possibly go wrong?
-Well, I’m just getting a really bad vibe.
-Look, the safari guides will know what they’re doing; we’ll be fine. You’ll see, this’ll be the greatest trip ever.
-Well, maybe you’re right, Dave… Maybe you’re right…
David and Simon stood silently before the mall’s travel agency booth. Having amassed a significant amount of money for their countless hours of community service and charity work, they had been thinking of taking a well-deserved vacation. Being the adventurous individuals and fine physical specimens that they were, the two friends wanted to go somewhere wild and exotic. The package they were thinking of purchasing, the « Wacky Safari Bonanza », promised to deliver the most exciting and breathtaking of African safari experiences, it was perfect. It was to be an adventure of epic proportions that would surely change ones life forever. However Simon had an unsettling feeling. He knew the safari adventure could be a great experience, one from which he could gain so much, but he had a strange feeling that something sinister awaited him and his friend at their destination. Regardless, eager to try something new and with David pressuring him, Simon gave in and bought his package. In a few short weeks, our protagonists would leave for what could be the best experience of their lives, or the BIGGEST MISTAKE THEY WOULD EVER MAKE, EVER.
The roar of the aircraft’s powerful engines ceased as David and Simon landed on African soil. As they exited the plane, our friends were overwhelmed by the beautiful landscape that lay before them. The sky was clear blue, and lush, colorful jungle vegetation surrounded them. The foliage swayed in the light breeze, creating a peaceful and serene atmosphere. Koala bears and emus could be seen playfully prancing to and fro. One of the Koala bears was even brave enough to adventure out of nature’s womb to eat some peanuts out of David’s hands.
-Check it out Simon! Cried David with astonishment. This one’s eating right out of my freaking hands!
But Simon wasn’t listening; his gaze was lost in the distance.
-Simon! Check it out!
There was no response. David looked at this friend, who seemed concerned. He looked up to see what was going on. That was when it hit him; it was the evil presence Simon had felt all along.
-Now you understand, said Simon. We need to stay on our guard.
As the realization of impending danger was sinking in, the pals’ spirits sank. But just then, there was a rustling within the jungle, which caught their attention. Moments later, the sky erupted with color as hundreds upon hundreds of exotic parrots flooded the blue yonder.
-But we’re not here to be sissies, declared Simon. We’re here to kick ass.
As our adventurers reached their camp, the veil of night was engulfing the African sky much like a fireproof emergency fire blanket engulfs a fire. Understandably tired, they lay down on the exotic foreign dirt to reflect upon their day.
-Wow, said David, today sure was an uneventful day.
-Yes, answered Simon, it was pretty quiet and relaxing.
-I guess we can look forward to another 8 days of this!
-Well yeah! I guess you were right! This vacation will be a peaceful getaway after all!
-Indubitably!
And so the metaphorical fire in the sky went out, leaving two tired souls to begin an altogether different adventure… in dreamland.
When the morning had come, the dynamic duo felt invigorated. This was the first night in over 5 months that they were able to get a full night’s sleep (lately, they had been spending their nights fighting crime and getting homeless children off the street). That was a good thing because moments after they had gotten up, their guide, Craig, came running over to tell them that they were late for the guided jeep tour of the safari. David and Simon hadn’t eaten breakfast, but they were man enough to go on without it.
-Breakfast is for wimps, explained Simon.
Once the truck was loaded up, it set off to explore the wilderness. The engine’s rumble sent frightened exotic birds into the sky and made herds of zebras scatter. Everyone was having a blast (except for the animals, who were scared shitless). Then, suddenly, the truck jerked to a stop. Our heroes looked at each other with confusion. They then noticed that Craig was scanning the horizon. He looked pretty worried.
-What’s the problem? Asked Simon?
-Wait. Be quiet, answered Craig.
Everyone was very still. Craig clutched his rifle tightly as he kept searching. After five minutes of waiting, the driver was getting impatient and started up the truck again.
-No! Cried Craig. You fool!
His eyes were as wide as dinner plates when he turned around again to check the horizon. The two adventurers saw it too. A cloud of dirt was coming towards the truck and growing fast. Whatever was kicking up that much dirt was immense and was moving at a VERY high rate of speed. Craig told David and Simon to run back to camp, and that he’d keep « it » busy. Before they could ask him what was wrong, the tour guide kicked them out of the vehicle and sped away in the direction of the ominous cloud.
The next few moments were very tense. The truck grew smaller and smaller as it neared it’s objective. Simon and David were grinding their pearly white teeth as they watched their friend speed towards an unknown danger. Then, suddenly, a massive fireball erupted where the truck once stood and shrapnel was sent flying all over the place. Seconds later, something landed at our heroes’ feet. They looked down to find Craig’s flaming head roll to a stop. In it’s dying breath, the doomed cranium muttered « Run… run… or… it… will… get… aurghh…». The two pals of unparalleled awesomeness were stunned at first, but soon afterwards they were flooded with a new powerful emotion, one of anger and pain. They looked up to see the menacing silhouette of a giant rhinoceros posing menacingly towards them.
As they stared into the rhino’s hideous beady little eyes, they could feel the hatred he felt for them.
-Don’t worry, rhinocer-ass, said David. The sentiment is mutual.
Bad move, as this sent the crazed animal into an uncontrollable state of bloodthirsty rage. It reared once, flexing its muscles to intimidate our heroes, then kicked off and bolted towards them. It kicked up zebras and lions as it charged towards the mountains of courage. It thought it’d have them peeing their stylish designer pants by now, but there was one thing it hadn’t taken into account: these weren’t normal humans it was dealing with, these were the world renowned sex symbols and all around incredible super-men known as Simon and David. Any other pansy would have pinched off a loaf in his dungarees simply upon spotting the enormous creature, but the two bad-asses in question dug their heels into the ground and stared down the incoming locomotive.
-Come get some, biatch, proclaimed Simon.
But suddenly, the rhino started to run REALLY fast, and traveled the length of eight football fields in 4 seconds. As time was running out, our stupendous and beautiful protagonists realized that even they would not be able to take this rhino’s attack. They made the decision to turn around and run like hell.
-This isn’t in our character! Exclaimed David. Damnit!
-I know, I know, said Simon, but even we have no chance of surviving this monster’s powerful charge.
-What can we do? We can’t just run away all day.
-Look, let’s think this through. How could we gain an advantage on this mighty fiend.
-I don’t know, this guy seems to have no weaknesses. This won’t be as easy as when we traveled back in time and single-handedly defeated communist China’s entire military force.
-Wait a second! You just reminded me! We ran across the USSR twice last month! We can run away all day, but this infernal creature probably can’t!
-No way! That’s brilliant! We’ll tire him out, then lay the most unholy of ass-whuppings upon him, for Craig.
-No… For all of humanity.
And so the two unbelievably handsome companions of justice kept on running, and running, and running. They ran form one end of Africa to the other then back again, covering thousands upon thousands of miles. The intense heat and lack of water weighed heavily upon them, but they pushed on, being the determined and powerful men that they were. They reached the northern coast of Africa with the rhinoceros still on their tail, and seeing nowhere else to go, they tore their shirts off, exposing their washer board abs and well defined pectorals, jumped into the shark infested water, and swam to France. Upon reaching the shore, our heroes looked behind them to see the rhinoceros wheezing and panting as it still galloped towards them.
-This is our only hope, explained Simon. We’ve got to make this count.
-You know it, replied David.
-We have to give this one punch our all. We need to send this horrible abomination back to the fiery pits of hell.
And so the rhino paused for a moment to catch it’s breath before once again pouncing at the beings of unsurpassed courage and virtue. As it made it’s way towards David and Simon, the two mightiest fists in all the world wound up to deliver the most devastating double-whammy upper-cut ever seen. The rhino was inches away from our heroes’ bodies when the fists shot out towards him. David’s eyes then locked with those of his hideous opponent so that he could give him a look that said, « We’re through running, you disgusting stone skinned freakazoid ». A fraction of a second later, the diamond hard fists made contact with the rhino’s ugly face, but the world would have to wait for the heroes’ fists’ images to catch up with their matter to witness the resulting devastation. A massive mushroom cloud rose into the sky and a shock wave rippled outwards from the beasts shattered head. Entire countries were leveled by the blast and millions of square miles were transformed into a flaming wasteland. Bits of stone and blown up rhinoceros guts whipped the glorious saviors’ faces, but they never flinched.
When the dust finally settled a few days later, Simon and David decided they could retract their muscular and world-saving arms from their extended punching position. The rhino was vaporized, along with France, Italy, Spain, Bulgaria and most of Switzerland. When the super-stars returned to their native land of Canada, they received medals for their courage and valor and an award for outstanding achievement in the field of wild and deranged animal ass-beating. The prime minister gave a memorable speech to mark the occasion.
-My fellow Canadians, we are gathered here today to pay tribute to David and Simon, two heroes of unsurpassed strength and beauty who put their lives on the line to keep the world safe from a blood-thirsty crazed hell-beast. By killing this monstrosity, they have proven that they truly are the world’s greatest heroes. Though they have laid waste to a few countries whilst they were doing their duty, the nations that were sacrificed for the greater good were of little importance. God bless David and Simon, the most fantastic team of well-groomed, intelligent, kind, graceful and majestic destroyers of evil the world… no… the universe, has ever seen.
The End
(Based on actual events)